


i surrender.

by caroline11



Category: La casa de papel | Money Heist (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Depression, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, nice ending i swear, this is going to be a mess
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-22
Updated: 2020-06-27
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:33:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24857671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/caroline11/pseuds/caroline11
Summary: "I gave you my soul, and you destroyed it. I'm a monster now because of what I've done for you.""I never asked for that.""You didn't have to. Letting me think you could love me was enough."
Relationships: Berlin | Andrés de Fonollosa/Palermo | Martín Berrote
Comments: 8
Kudos: 84





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> English is not my first language so please don't be angry about mistakes
> 
> the summary is a prompt that is going to appear at some point so just hang in there we are going to get to it

Andres was calmly sitting on the patio chair reading another book about greek philosophy when Serio barged through the door. Andres didn't even look up at him but after few moments of Sergio's panting, he raised his eyes.

“Can I help you with something, brother?” he asked.

“Police got Rio. They are holding him somewhere and we need to get him out,” said Sergio in one breath. Andres opened his book again and started reading.

“You are not going to say anything?” asked Sergio.

Eyes still on the words about Plato Andres answered. “How do you plan to do it? Because I am sure you don't know where they are holding him. Of course, you don't. How could you?”

“I didn't plan. You did,” said Sergio and sat down next to his brother. Andres looked up again. “Me? What?” He was a bit confused. Wrinkles between his eyes got a bit more prominent.

“We are going to melt the gold,” Sergio said and smiled. “Come inside and I'm going to explain to you everything. Others should be here sometime this evening.”

“Okay,” answered Andres as he stood up. The book with a bookmark at the beginning of the chapter about Plato was abandoned at the patio table.

When Sergio finished explaining the plan over the glass of red wine Andres had more than one question. But the main one was how. How are they going to do it when nobody from the gang knows how to. Not even Sergio. Not even Andes. Nobody posses the knowledge of how it is supposed to be done. And the only person who knows how probably hates him. Probably already forgot about him and moved on. But wasn't that what Andres wanted? For him to be free?

The knock on the door was loud but Andres was still deep in his thoughts. Sergio stood up and left Andres alone. 

Andres was sure that Sergio knows that they need him to be there. There is no other way. Nobody is smart enough to get inside that vault. There are plans locked inside the monastery but there is only one person who understands all side notes and even when Andres was there the whole time he wouldn't make a sense out of it. They just need him. That was a fact Sergio didn't mention.

The voices filled the interior of the big house and echoed against the walls. Andres was in a deep place in his memories and didn't want to meet any of these not intelligent, not elegant, and not sophisticated people at all. So he stood up and when Sergio walked back to the kitchen to tell him to meet the others he was already gone. The book from the patio was gone and there was a figure retreating down the pavement on the beach. 

Sergio knew that his brother would come back eventually but he needed his sweet time to think and gaze across the ocean from his spot. Sergio knew that coming back to him would not be easy for Andres. His brother fought inner battle since the time Sergio told him that he needs to leave him. 

Andres didn't know how to approach this. He didn't know about the reaction he is going to provoke when he is going to show up at his doorsteps. Andres would bear a punch but not tears. Not tears and that helpless, shameful and disappointed look on his face Andres saw when he was leaving.

The sun hid behind the horizon and Andres shivered from cold. He didn't come up with anything coherent but finished the chapter about Plato and started reading about the early life of his student Aristotle. In the end, the dark outside prevented Andres from gathering knowledge about Alexander the Great so he stood up from his spot and walked towards the house again. 

Raquel and Paula are already asleep considering the switched off lights in their bedrooms. The closer Andres got the more nasty sound of voices he could hear.

Andres walked inside and the conversation stopped abruptly. First on their legs was Nairobi who threw herself at him for a hug. Andres hugged back but then gently pushed her away. Some other people stood up to hug him too.

“We heard about the plan. That it's yours,” Tokyo said.

“Not only mine,” said Andres, turned on his heel and walked to his bedroom. He needed to come to terms with his current feelings.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there

“All of the plans are in the monastery, Sergio,” said Berlin over breakfast. Chatting around him stopped. Andres didn't know why they were doing it but every time he opened his mouth everybody just shut. It was unbelievably funny.

“Yes, can we go and prepare there?” asked Professor. He fixed his glasses.

“My share is paid so it is possible,” answered Andres. He was having such a good time talking like this. Everybody listened to every single of his words and he was ignoring them. Real fun.

“We can arrange transport for tomorrow. The sooner the better.”

“I don't think so…” whispered Andres. He is fearing the reunion with his friend more than the heist.

He and Sergio talked about it. They talked over another glass of red late into the night when every single nosy person was asleep. Andres told him that he's afraid. Afraid of the feeling he still has. Sergio then tried to come up with a plan without him but it's just not possible.

Sergio felt responsible for the state Andres was in. His brother could hide it well but he was beyond distressed. It was Sergio's fault that now he had to go and make things right with his friend. And even when Andres refused to tell him what happened that evening Sergio could imagine. Andres had to break his friend's heart completely so he would not follow him.

Few hours after that the whole gang was sitting on the boat on their way to Italy. Sergio kept one eye on Andres's friend's whereabouts. 

“This friend of yours, who is he?” Nairobi approached Andres. He wanted to back out but Tokyo stood next to him from the other side. Berlin sighed.

“I don't know, okay? I haven't seen him in a long time,” Andres said and gazed at the ocean around him. Open sea but he still felt like he was locked in a cell.

“Why?” Nairobi asked.

“Because.”

The time spent on the boat was pure torture for Andres. These people are louder than he remembered. But the worse thing was coming.

He and Sergio stepped off the boat and walked towards the city. It was middle of the night and there weren't many people outside but they still hypnotized the pavement as they walked.  
The apartment building where Andres's friend lived came into view and Andres instantly regretted everything. He knew that his friend is a self-destructive type but this was really close to the building he lived in Argentina when he was a kid. Was he punishing himself for something?

“Do you want to go alone or do you want me to go with you?” Sergio asked when he saw Andres's weary look. The bags under his brother's eyes more visible under the light of street lamps.

“I can do it myself. I think…” said Andres and started walking towards the entrance. 

It was dark inside and it smelled bad. The stairs were dirty and there was only one working light, which was flickering anyway. It gave Andres goosebumps.

His friend's apartment was supposed to be on the third floor so Andres ran up the stairs. There was only one door without the name on it. Nothing outside the door gave any idea about the person living inside.

Andres knocked. First, nothing happened but after a while, he could hear somebody walking towards the door. It swung open.

The whole world stopped for a while. They were looking into each other's eyes but soon Andres let his eyes slide down and take in the appearance of his friend.

“Oh, Martin,” he whispered. Dark circles under his eyes, clothes with some stains on them, messy hair, the bottle still clenched tight in his friend's hand.

“What do you want?” asked Martin, his voice raw. And there they were, the tears gathering in his beautiful eyes.

“Can I come in? I would explain everything,” said Andres softly. Martin didn't move but eventually, he let Andres come in.

The apartment was an embodiment of Martin himself. Mess.

“Martin, I'm so sorry-” started Andres but Martin abruptly cut him off. “What do you want?” he stressed every single word. Martin was angry, Andres got it now.

“We need your help. One of ours is held by police and we have a plan on how to get him out. And we are going to melt our gold in the meantime,” Andres said slowly. Martin walked off somewhere but the apartment was so small he was sure that he heard him. 

“You want me to carry out the plan and then to humiliate me again. Because that was what happened. That was what you did,” Martin said and threw his arms around. "I gave you my soul, and you destroyed it. I'm a monster now because of what I've done for you."

"I never asked for that," Andres whispered. Both of them were hurting way too much now for this conversation.

"You didn't have to. Letting me think you could love me was enough."


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi

“I do. I do love you, Martin. You need to understand the reasons why I've done the things I've done,” said urgently Andres. Martin walked away again. 

“Martin, please. What I've done was the biggest mistake ever.” Andres ran after his friend. 

“Martin, look at me please,” whispered Andres into the black void surrounding the kitchen where Martin was leaning on the counter.  
Martin turned around and looked up. His cheeks were decorated with tears.

“I surrender myself to you completely. I'm at your mercy. You can do whatever you want but please, help us with this,” said Andres with nothing but raw honesty in his voice.

“I'm going to help you save that boy and get inside that vault but I swear, Andres if you are going to get closer to me than 6 feet I am leaving instantly. Look what you caused with your reasons,” said Martin angrily with tears streaming down his face. “You stripped me of my last bits of self-confidence. I was in so much shame for opening myself to you!” He was yelling now.  
Andres had tears in his eyes now too. He knew that it was true. Everything that Martin said was true because Martin never lied to him. 

“I'm so sorry-” Andres started but was interrupted once again.

“Go to hell with your sorry!” spat Martin at him. Then he walked away. Andres was frozen to the spot. He never really had a full grasp on what it did to Martin.  
A few minutes later Martin showed up again. This time showered, shaved, and changed. 

“Lead the way,” Martin said when he threw his leather jacket around his shoulders. His voice lacking emotions completely. He looked better but angry. Andres knew that he's done that to him.  
They walked out of the apartment and down the stairs where Sergio was waiting for them. 

“Hello, Mar-”

“Sergio, I'm angry enough. Don't speak to me please,” said Martin, and continued walking. And Sergio got that. Sergio got that he was angry and sad and emotions were too much right now so he let him be. Because Martin can think about him whatever he wants but he still looks out for him.

Sergio questionably looked at his brother who felt just as miserable as he looked. He needed to get himself together.  
Martin somehow guessed where they were heading so he was leading way. His steps were fast and certain. Anger set a bulletproof mask on his face.

Sergio was breathless when the boat came into the view. He was trying to keep up with Martin but he was sure that Andress friend fueled by anger was just trying to run away from Andres. 

“This one,” Sergio pointed at a seemingly empty boat. “We are going to the monastery.”

Martin hasn't said a word but jumped on board. Seconds after the boat started to move people came out. Everybody was curious about the new member of the gang.

“This is Nairobi, Tokyo, Denver, Helsinki, Stockholm. And we picked up Bogotá and Marseille on our way here. And you know Berlin.” Sergio pointed at every member of the little group of rascals.

“Berlin? Are you fucking kidding me?” asked Martin.

“I didn't have much time for choosing,” objected Andres. Every single face was confused at that. Well except Marseille and Bogotá. They knew what happened in Berlin.

“And you?” the girl with curly hair asked. Stockholm? Maybe.

“Palermo,” Martin answered and smirked. If Andres is going to dip into painful memories and throw them at his face so can Martin. Two can play this game. 

“So how do you know Berlin?” asked another girl. They just kind of rounded Martin in the corner and were really interested in knowing everything about him. And he was an asshole to them but they didn't care.

“Oh, so now you wanna hear the story of my life?” asked Martin. The only consistent thing he was doing was rolling his eyes.

“We don't want to pray into your private life,” Stockholm said.

“Then don't,” said Martin and walked past them. 

Martin sulked the whole time. But when they got out of cars he started frowning even more. Bad memories were emerging to his mind and he didn't like that at all. It made him feel things.  
He left this place in the middle of the night when the urge to hurt himself was just too much. He was drowning in shame. He left Andres to push him against the wall, he let him see his vulnerable and exposed side. And then Andres went and told him that they cant. Did it mean that Martin is unlovable? 

The group walked inside and Berlin instantly went into leader mode. He got them a little tour and showed them the bedrooms. But when they started sorting out who goes where they found out that Martin is missing. 

“Berlin, at which point did you lost your friend?” asked Denver. Everybody looked around. Nobody even knew where he disappeared.

“You don't have to worry about him,” Andres answered. He didn't know where his friend went but he had a pretty good idea.

“But what if he's lost?” Nairobi asked. She took some strange liking in the man.

“I don't think he got lost after living here for ten years,” said Andres. “You know where the kitchen is. We will meet there in the morning.”

Andres left some shocked faces behind and went on the search after his friend. Maybe chapel? No, he wouldn't go there. But then it struck him. Roof. It was a starry night and the sky looked like VanGoghs painting. Martin had his spot on the roof.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the delay there was a lot on my mind lately

“You've stopped smoking,” said Andres when he saw Martin on the roof. He walked towards him balancing on the edge in his millions of worth shoes.

“Six feet Andres,” said Martin without looking at him. His eyes fixed on the stars. Berlin knew that his friend loved the stars since the first time they met.

“Is this six feet?” asked Andres when he sat down. Martin looked at him with a cigarette hanging from his lips and nodded. It was, in fact, six feet.

The silence stretched between them. Andres looked at the night sky. He could only make out the constellations Martin showed him a few years prior. There was a white cloud of smoke from Martin's cigarette hiding part of the night sky.

“I'm sorry about the Berlin thing,” said Andres after the moment of quiet. He really was sorry but it was the first thing that came to his mind. The trip to Berlin was one of his favorites till that evening.

“It was me who was on fault there. Not you,” answered Martin. 

“I should have known that you were not okay. I mean… I knew it but I thought…”

“It was me who was on fault there. No need to worry about it.”

Berlin happened sometime in the sooner part of their friendship. The trip was awesome. They lifted some big jewels and nobody even knew about them. The hotel rooms were big and lavish with luxury bathrooms. The bathrooms were whole in white. White tiles, white marble, white sink. Everything. But as much as Martin tried he couldn't share his friend's happiness about the luxury. He was kind of distant. Always somewhere else in his mind. Andres knew about Martin's moods. Or Andres called it moods. 

They planned some nice dinner and decided that they are going to meet in the main hall of the hotel. But when was Martin fifteen minutes late Andres went to look why is he taking so long. He knocked on his door but it swung open with the force of his second knock. There was nobody in the room but his clothes were scattered around and the door to the bathroom was firmly shut.

“Martin?” Andres asked and inched closer to the door. He pushed it closer and his breath hitched. It was the first time he saw white tiles in the bathroom painted red with Martin's blood. His friend was laying on the floor in the pool of his own blood. He was unconscious. 

Andres rushed doctors and anybody who could save him. Martin woke up a day later in the hospital and the only thing he told Andres until they came back to the monastery was “Don't call it moods.”

Since then Andres always looked out for those moments. Moments when Martin started smoking again, when he didn't eat breakfast or when he looked at particularly nothing for more than a few seconds.

Martin lit up another cigarette. “Look, I know that you feel guilty if of course, you know emotion like that, but you don't have to sit here with me. I'm not going to hurt myself nor am I going to jump down. I'm just angry, not depressed,” he said. 

“I'm going to make you pancakes for breakfast. Good night, Martin.” And with that Andres left. 

Martin sat on that roof for another hour. He was really not depressed but anger and depression were close in his head. Standing next to each other and often pushing themselves around. Wanting to be first in line.

After countless cigarettes and many more painful thoughts, Martin stood up and went to bed. The morning was really close anyway.

He had a feeling that he didn't even close his eyes and it was morning already. The truth was that he slept something around two hours. Martin was surprised that he slept at all.

A knock on the door woke his up. It wasn't like are you up? knock it was more like I know that you are asleep wake the fuck up. And that was the first thing that pissed him off. Martin didn't even know who knocked.

He stood up from his bed and somehow made it to the bathroom. The image in the mirror was pretty close to the reflections he was seeing nearly very day for past years. Dark circles, hair a mess. Two hours of sleep and possible overdose on nicotine was probably a reason.

Few minutes after Martins concentrated judgment towards himself he found himself walking towards the kitchen with no intention to eat at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pancakes?


End file.
